Ryan, International Man of Involuntary Celibacy

by Charlie Nash

Ryan collapsed into his Gaming Chair following a disastrous Tinder date.

He'd taken her out to a nice local Italian restaurant, and picked up the bill like a gentleman.

She thought he looked disgusting and left following the appetizers.

Ryan logged onto his computer and signed into Twitter dot com.

"Pass-around Patricia from Hemingway County is like a vacuum cleaner for dicks. Can't stop sucking Chads. No off button."


He thought about buying a machete and going on a rampage at the local college sorority house, but ultimately got distracted by a pornographic IMVU advertisement and opened up xHamster.

"Two midget sluts massage normal-sized man by the pool" would suffice.

Ryan hadn't told anyone, but lately he’d been really into midget porn.

A weird fetish, sure, but it sort of came about by accident after watching the hit 2006 comedy movie American Pie: The Naked Mile.

In the movie, Erik Stifler's cousin, Dwight, gets revenge on a gang of angry midget football players by having sex with the lead midget's girlfriend, who is also a midget.

After watching this scene, Ryan hadn't been able to watch anything else.