THE MAN OF THE FUTURE IS COMING
Are you afraid of the Man of the Future? Don't be afraid of him. Be afraid of what he represents all you like, but you're not going to get out of its way. And he, personally, has done nothing to merit your fear.
WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THE MAN OF THE FUTURE?
-He's on his way here but he might get lost in traffic, allow up to 2 hours for the Man of the Future to arrive
-I sucked his dick once, but it was tulpa shit, it was more that a jagged projection of my soul gave brain to whatever his own shrivelled little spirit's got down there. It meant nothing to either of us
-He's gnarled and weathered, and short, like the worst extra from the shitty Kevin Costner vehicle Waterworld. But his smooth little baby hands represent eternity
-Missing a toe and will never shut up about how he doesn't want to talk about it. Goes out of his way to bring up the subject then drops it cold
-He cannot perform miracles, but he moves with a catlike grace
-Fastball speed: A solid 90 MPH, nothing to write home about professionally but pretty fucking fast in person
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THE MAN OF THE FUTURE?
-Drop what you're doing
-Take a propranolol to combat panic and interfere with the formation of new memories
-Stop hoping you will change the will of the gods by praying
-MOVE YOUR ASS SWEETHEART WE DON'T GOT ALL DAY TO WAIT! THE MAN OF THE FUTURE IS HERE AND YOU BETTER BE READY YESTERDAY!
THE MAN OF THE FUTURE KNOWS MANY SECRETS
-Knows where the jewels are
-Knows the key to your soulmate's heart
-Knows what your organs feel like on his delicate little fingertips
-Knows astral projection and BJJ
-Knows in his bones when there's a storm coming
-French. Indonesian. English, but he doesn't like it. Dutch. Portuguese. Cantonese. Spanish. Hindi. Russian. Arabic. Esperanto. Esperanto 2. A little bit of a lot more, but he doesn't like to brag about it
I WANT TO AVOID THE MAN OF THE FUTURE. HOW DO I DO THAT?
-Travel backwards in time by at least 50 years, ideally more than 100
-Charter a ship and sail it to the roof of the world with a team of strong-backed dogs and a mountain of preserves. Be prepared to hide there in the eternal twilight for the rest of your life. Bring a harpoon gun
WHAT DOES THE MAN OF THE FUTURE WANT?
-To be loved, like anyone else
-Some power. Enough to get by
-To save money
-Better upload speeds and no throttling
DOES THE MAN OF THE FUTURE HAVE GENITALS?
-The Man of the Future has no genitals. He has chosen this and it's what's right for him.